The Working Mom Struggle: Balancing Resentment and Responsibility

Being a working mom is a remarkable juggling act where women navigate the demands of their careers while simultaneously fulfilling their other full-time job as mothers. This delicate balance can often bring about feelings of resentment and guilt, as the weight of expectations and responsibilities can become overwhelming. It’s important that we explore the struggles faced by working moms, the challenges of balancing work and family life, and offer some insights on how to navigate these common resentments.

Many moms in therapy discuss feeling a desire to go back to the way life was before children, despite the immense love and appreciation for having them. The pressure and responsibility increases tenfold and so does the anxiety. With only so many waking hours in a day, working moms often feel like they don’t have enough time to accomplish what they need to do for themselves, their home, their partner, their pets, their boss/work, and then their children. Moms also often complain about the financial responsibility that comes alongside having children. The cost of childcare is at an all time high, with nannies making more off the books than most people working on them. Daycares are hard to get into and when both parents need to work for financial stability, parents worry about the emotional ramifications of never being home or emotionally present with their children. It’s no wonder with all these emotions that moms often want to go back to the way life was before they had kids. The reality is, we can’t - so what do you do? 

The Challenge of Balancing:

Balancing work and family responsibilities is an ongoing challenge for working moms. The pressure to excel in both domains can lead to feelings of guilt and self-doubt. Not to mention the financial stress of needing to manage the familial responsibilities with the financial gains from work. The constant juggling act between work deadlines, meetings, and parental duties can leave little time for self-care and personal fulfillment. The perception of never being able to give enough attention to either role is often responsible for causing resentment, both towards oneself, people at work, partners at home and even to one’s children.

Resentment in the Face of Expectations:

The key to understanding resentment is that it develops in the space of unmet expectations. Resentment also goes many different directions. Mothers often develop resentment towards their support systems, friends, colleagues, bosses and children when they feel their pressure to be perfect cannot be met due to their responsibility as mothers. On the other hand, people also often develop resentment towards working moms for not balancing their lives in the way they “should” according to other peoples’ standards. This dual sided resentment can lead to tension and discomfort that is difficult to emotionally manage, especially when one is already emotionally spent.

Perhaps the greatest pressure that mothers feel is the pressure from themselves. The internal conflict between professional aspirations and the desire to be present for one's children can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment towards the circumstances that necessitate such choices. Mom guilt is real! — the guilt that no matter what you do and how you’re there for your children emotionally and physically, it feels like it’s never enough or could be more. A common concern I hear from working moms is the worry that their children will remember that they were not around as much as stay at home mothers (SAHM) and will lead to sad children who resent their moms.

4 Ways to Overcome Working Mom Resentment:

While the challenges of balancing work and family responsibilities may seem daunting, there are ways to navigate these complex emotions and find a sense of peace:

1. Prioritize self-care: It is crucial for working moms to prioritize their well-being. Making time for self-care activities, such as exercise, hobbies, or simply taking a break, disconnecting from social media or weekend plans, can help in managing stress and preventing burnout. Therapy is also a great way to also get this support and self care, as well as a judgement-free zone from someone who understands the struggle of motherhood.

2. Seek support and delegate: Building a support network is vital for working moms. Whether it's relying on a partner, family members, or trusted friends, delegating responsibilities can help alleviate the pressure and reduce resentment. There is a great deal of perceived judgment and failure that comes with asking for help, when it’s the help that mom’s could receive that would lessen the stress and anxiety they feel.

3. Set realistic expectations: It is essential to recognize that perfection is unattainable. Setting realistic expectations, both at work and in personal life, can help reduce feelings of guilt and resentment. Accepting that there will be trade-offs and compromises can lead to a more balanced perspective. Think about quality over quantity when it comes to time spent. Your children will remember the little moments you spend meaningfully over the amount of times they can remember being with you.

4. Communicate openly: Engaging in open and honest communication with both your employer and family can help in finding solutions that accommodate work and family responsibilities. Negotiating flexible work hours, remote work options, or exploring childcare alternatives can alleviate some of the challenges.

Being a working mom comes with its unique set of challenges, and the struggle to balance responsibilities can lead to feelings of resentment. However, by prioritizing self-care, seeking support, setting realistic expectations, and communicating openly, working moms can navigate these complexities with greater ease. Remember, it is okay to ask for help, make choices that align with your values, and embrace the imperfect nature of balancing work and family life. No one person is capable of accomplishing everything while doing it alone.  Your strength and balance really comes not in doing it by yourself, but in asking for help you deserve.