Dating Over 30: How The Algorithm And Money Hungry Apps Are Causing A Hopeless Generation.
As a dating and relationship expert, we used to find that after empowering people to get out of their comfort zone and onto dating apps, they’d find success in matches. Now, the dating landscape has changed and people over 30 years old are stressed, lonely, depressed and quite honestly petrified of never achieving the life goal of being a partnership or parent.
For people in their 30’s, the landscape has changed dramatically over the last 5-10 years. 12 years ago when I was single, you could log onto an app that was catered to what you’re looking for. You paid a fee to download the app, and then scrolled through plausible options. Today, you’re embedded in your screens, swiping through people that are the opposite of what you’re looking for and being forced to pay apps to access the people you might be interested in, and most likely won’t be.
Not to mention, they probably won’t even answer. Technology was created to help us work smarter not harder, and in turn its destroyed our ability to connect as human beings - especially for people over 30 who want to connect and settle down more than ever before. It’s an unfortunate fact that the ability to find someone who is looking for something serious has become more scarce than ever, it’s now nearly impossible.
While it may seem unrelated, consider #infertility. People over 30 are now not just battling infertility, but are pre-emtively panicking about being infertile before they’re even in a relationship. Over the last ten years we encouraged people to work hard and create financial stability, without realizing the implications of this work ethic. Now people are working 9-6, some even full-time from home in their NY box sized apartment and don’t even have the physical opportunity to connect with like-minded adults that they could be attracted to in the workplace or after work at a bar with friends.
I hear it all the time, sophisticated successful over 30 year old individuals are not on the dating apps. It’s true, but then it leaves us wondering, if they’re not on the apps, why? and where are they?
30 year old successful individuals are not on the dating apps for four reasons: THE ALGORITHM - The current algorithms of dating apps have made it merely impossible for people in their 30’s to connect to people who want to settle down and get married. I won’t even go into the problematic truth of our culture becoming psychologically damaged as people who want instant gratification without long term connection. Truth is, dating apps like Bumble, Hinge, JSwipe, The League, Raya and The Lox Club (and others) are capitalizing on the ability to hide relevant and formidable matches behind paywalls. Mix that with inflation and the inability to afford life as it is and you’ve got a big problem. I should also mention that these apps also collect data about who you don’t like to hide the people you do like so you feel pressured to buy more formidable options. If you’re going to be single, why not go broke too?
DATING FATIGUE - How much heartbreak can a person handle after so much time spent searching with so little successes? It’s a frightening reality for people dating over 30. They feel they try, put themselves out there and hope to connect. They may even pay for options and find themselves feeling rejected or better yet, un-responded or not even matched. People only have so much time in a day, spending time trying to connect with people who may even be “bots” or in other relationships and bored is just exhausting and hopeless.
THE STIGMA OF BEING + 30 AND SINGLE - it’s wild that the gap for socially acceptable singleness has narrowed significantly. It’s now being judged as “weird” to be single in your 30s. Where we once glorified it as being independent, emotionally secure and successful, we now consider it tarnished and questionable. Either you’ve never been in a relationship, were in one for a while and then it ended before you could get married, got divorced, had an engagement fall through, or work too much and haven’t had time, all of these and more seem to be judged as strange now rather than reasonably rational for being single.
It’s almost as if we encouraged people to work hard and create financial independence and stability over the last ten years, and are now punishing those who decided to work for it. Be independent and don’t rely on someone else, but for the many women who followed that rule, the fear of being alone forever is now more pertinent than ever.
I also hate to say this, (don’t hate me for it) but being single over 30 for women is far more stigmatized than it is for men. Men are judged for two things: 1. not having a stable job that cannot support themselves or 2. when they’ve never been in a serious relationship and are looking for their first post 30. Women are judged for being independent, for not needing a man or partner for financial support, for never being in a previous relationship and so much more. I don’t hate the gender differences, it’s life. Differences exist, we are not all the same and such is life that certain differences come with different expectations - however, these stigmas that have developed based on age have become incredibly limiting and are causing people to feel hopeless about ever achieving their life goal of being a partnership and potentially a family.
WE’VE BECOME HERMITS - People have been working harder than ever before. Years ago, we once left our office and turned off our computers. We now carry mini computers and are expected to work even when we’re not on the clock. In fact, those who do not work like this are not seen to be as successful unless they are financially stable while doing such. It’s the whole concept of working not for money, but for freedom. While working so hard, especially post-pandemic, people are alone and not connecting with other individuals in person. This lack of connection removes the psychological opportunity for humans to be attracted to and flirt with others based on true chemistry in a room, rather than a perceived personality based on a photo.
The dating app, like all other technology, was originally created to help people connect to other people so they can create relationships and potentially fall in love. Ideally, an App would be a success when one person achieves a relationship and then refers someone else to an app to find success too. However, when money gets involved in things that should bring love and pleasure, they often lose the original goal. In this case, dating apps have lost their true intention of creating relationships due to being too fixated on creating a dollar. Instead of being angry, resentful and scared, perhaps 30 something year olds can do what we do best, remember what life was like before the technologically existed. It’s not the apps that are going to help you meet someone, it’s the humans that are also looking to meet someone that will make a change. Part of the frustration in this, is that even experts like me don’t know what to do or how to make the landscape more hopeful. I do know that our generation is one of the last to understand how to actually connect without a screen and perhaps its time we stop moving forward and maybe start moving back.
